When I first heard the call to lead..

I've thought for a few days now, what should my next blog be about. I've tried to start it a few times but everytime I sit down to write it, my words seem to leave me. So here I am, praying God will give me the words and the only thing I can think of is, write with your heart. One big question people often ask God, what is Your plan for my life? What is my purpose? And then when God decides to show us, when He decides, okay my child is ready for a glimpse, don't we get overwhlemed and excited at the same time? We act in awe, at least I know I did, of what God shows us He wants to do with our lives. We act even surprised. What God, you want to do what with my life? I remember many parts of my journey that have led me to this point. I remember my very first mission trip in high school. I wanted to be a cool Youthworks leader one day. I remember thinking yea, I could give up a summer and live in another state, impact a community like this, and work with different students every week. Yea, that would be kind of cool. It never worked out, because I think I had the wrong motives. I wanted to do it because I thought it was cool. In a time in my life where I just wanted to belong, where I was tired of being the kid who was picked on, I just wanted to be the kid who was looked up to. I also remember, however, that God fulfilled His call on my life to be a leader through another way. There have been few times, especially in high school, where I may not have been a leader up front, or a team captian, but I remember the authorities in my life saying, you are a great leader by example. You don't need the spot light. You lead from within. I took these words and just listened, but inside I was saying, yea but I want the spotlight. I remember 1 times that it did happen this way. Once was in choir. My senior year I was made choir president. Really this didnt' mean much except you took atendance and you would relay things to the class. And in the event that our teacher was gone, you would be the one to help the substitute. As much as I enjoyed being in the spotlight, I also didn't like it at times. I was ridculed by some students. Some students stuck up for me. I remember thinking finally my chance to belong, my chance to shine, and yet a part of me wanted to slip back into leading by example. Then again in college. I played softball. At this particular school, if you played sports, you were pretty cool. I loved that feeling. Even though I didn't play much, I still loved being a part of a team. I loved that we became family. We were together almost all the time. We stuck up for each other. We helped each other through tough times. Now, we weren't perfect but then again what family is? I also was told again by my coach, you have a gift of leadership. Leading by example. I remember thinking again, but is this enough? So why do I tell you these things? Because I also remember the night God revealed to be that He would make me a leader for His kingdom. I remember I was sitting in my bed in the "batcave" of The 15 and praying and it hit me. Alesha, you will help lead this next generation. My first response was this, "Are You CRAZY? I can't lead! Jesus, I don't know enough about the bible, I don't know how to live a Godly life, I don't know how to lead without a desire to be known. I think you are crazy!" But since that moment 4 years ago, God has never stopped teaching me and never stopped growing this in my heart. He continues to teach me to lead by example. He continues to teach me how to lead like Him, with humility. Last Sunday, Pastor Sam of House of God church, (who happens to speak English) preached about humility. He talked about how from the age of 12-30 Jesus spent that time submitting to His earthly parents. Jesus, even though He had the wisdom to lead people at 12, even though He had the knowledge of scripture, even though He was greater than any human being, Jesus still submitted to those who were lower than Him. He spent 18 years learning from His father. He spent 18 years learning the people He walked daily life with. He waited until the Holy Spirit came upon Him and told Him, okay, now you can go. I remember this being powerful even on Sunday when I left the service, but it hit me to a whole new level when I was walking the streets of Kuldiga on Monday. As I walked around, looking into the faces of God's children, seeing the hurt in some of their eyes, hearing the cries of their heart, I wanted so bad to start a conversation. I wanted to be able to speak to them in their language. I wanted to hear their stories and share find out if they knew Jesus. Then I heard it, a small voice, "Alesha, this is your time to be taught. This is not the time for you to step up to be a leader yet. You must continue to lead by example. You must continue to learn to be humble. You must continue to learn to be patient. You must continue to learn these people, my people. There will come a day when I say Go, but for now, you must wait." So. With all of that being said, do I still desire the spotlight like I did in high school and the beginning of college? No. I know who deserves the spotlight and that is not me, but always Jesus. I guess the point is this. God has shown me a plan for my life. He has shown me a purpose for bringing me here. He has affirmed in my heart what He wants to do. And He has also shown me that this time for me, is a time to sit at His even and learn from Him. It is a time to be a student in the school of Mary. Yes, everyday I should be a student of this school, but even more so today. I must continue to learn to humble myself before others, whether they are greater than me or the least of these. I must learn humility. I must learn to serve without expectations and love with nothing in return. I must simply desire Jesus above all else. I hope this made some sense to you and you were able to follow my thoughts. Sometimes speaking from the heart is a mess, but then again, Jesus always takes the mess and creates something beautiful. :)