I Found Your Love in an Open Field...

It's time for the yearly post, :) I really want to be better about this, but it just doesn't seem to take priority these days. But, there are a lot of things I want to share and spill from my heart. :) Today, I read back on my blog post from 3 years ago. I had just finished my first year in Latvia. I wrote about how I had changed so much during those 12 months. How God challenged me, broke me, lifted me, and His constant provision! I wrote about the youth group and all the work that He was doing in their lives. God did a lot that year! And yet, as I sit here, starting year 5 of this 2 year journey, :D God has done so much more since then! The one constant: GOD REMAINS FAITHFUL! Every step of the way, every decision, every move, every connection that was made, every path that was crossed, all were in God's plan! I couldn't imagine looking back 4 years ago and seeing myself where I am today. God's sovereignty is perfect. Jesus is perfect in every way.
I'm not even sure where to go with this post. There are so many things on my heart but I believe the biggest is what happened during History Makers UNITED camp. Going into UNITED this year, I really felt in my heart, "don't get caught up in being a Martha, remain a student in the school of Mary". (Luke 10:38-42) This meant that I shouldn't get caught up in all the work that must be done, but simply remember to rest at the feet of Jesus and soak up all that I can. Of course, I said, yea, okay Jesus. But you know I have to do this, I need to lead this, I have to take care of them, I need to make sure this is done, and on and on. I tried to make every excuse in the book to keep busy. But some how, God's plans always prevail, even when I fight it. So here goes the story...
Monday, a dear friend of mine and I were sitting in her room talking and playing with her kiddos. She asked me what seemed like an innocent question, "I don't know any girls who don't like to take baths, why don't you like to take a bath?" I thought for a minute about my answer and decided to be honest with her. I had never told anyone the real answer, EVER in my life. Mostly, I don't like baths because who wants to sit in dirty water, right? Then I need to shower anyway, so I might as well skip the bath. :) But I knew that wasn't the answer that needed to be shared. The real reason is because as a small child, one of the incidents when my step-dad sexually abused me, took place in a bathtub. Even as I write this, my heart skips a beat, a lump forms in my throat, and my eyes are leaking, the same thing happened the day I answered this question. I thought for a moment, let myself have my quick leak of tears and pulled myself together and moved on. Or so I thought. The next few days, I busied myself with my lists of many things. I needed to do that. I needed to help this person. I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about this question. I thought: I am free from my past. I know God has redeemed me. I don't live in the past. But something wasn't right. Something still held me back from truly sitting at the feet of Jesus. Something kept me with the feeling of wanting to be busy. Wednesday came and the campers all arrived and the evening meeting started. Honestly, I felt defeated. I felt tired and the camp had only just begun. I translated the opening of the service for some Irish people, sang a few songs in worship, and then decided I needed to be busy again. I didn't want to deal with these emotions. I didn't want to let these thoughts have control over me. So I took the little peanut, Elizabete, and went to the back of the tent by the back entrance. I left the stroller by the tent and walked a bit away to fight with myself about these thoughts in my heart. I simply closed my eyes and willed myself to sing. I was all alone, in a field, singing to my Jesus and the lyrics at that moment where "More than words, more than good ideas, I found your love in an open field." I opened my eyes and thought, how ironic Jesus. Here I am, in an open field. Okay, you have my attention. Then the words go on to say, "There's no shame. In looking like a fool. When I give you all I can't keep to take a hold of you". We kept singing it and singing it and I started to listen more. There is NO SHAME in looking like a fool. NO shame! First off, it's okay to cry. There is no shame in crying. The second thing is I know I can't hold on to Jesus, if my hands are already full. If my mind is so caught up in all these things, if my heart is so focused on fighting these feelings, that leaves no room for Jesus. I cannot fully hold on to Him, if I don't let go of the other things first. Okay, so I had my moment with God. I felt this weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe, like I had a new wind, new spring in my step. Until the next morning. I was in worship and about halfway through I understood, I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and pretend like everything is okay. I need to get alone with Jesus and deal with these things. I cried. I prayed. I journaled. I prayed some more. I cried some more. I then asked my friend to come pray with me. I was so determined to not let these memories take hold and rob my week. I would just will myself to be joyful. Ha. Not how it works. Later that day, Bronagh was doing a break out session about "God's Story in Abuse" and I just knew I needed to go. Plus, I love to hear her speak. I believe God pours out His wisdom from her mouth. It's incredible to learn from this woman. One of the main things I remember from her talk was something along these lines. -by not telling others the pain and abuse you have suffered in your life, you limit God's glory. When people don't really know where you have come from, they cannot understand how much God has been glorified in your life!- I thought, wow. This is so simple yet so hard. If people don't know the details, they cannot really understand how far God has brought you. Yet, it leaves you in an incredibly vulnerable place to share about the past. Of course, I don't believe that means you go around telling every one, every detail, but when the Spirit prompts you, don't hold back.
After this session, I tried to busy myself with even more things. I went to the service, did my translating, and then proceeded to the back of the tent again. I found comfort in watching from the back. After the worship and powerful message, I went back up front to translate. I honestly don't remember what I was translating. I only remember I felt like the speaker was speaking right to me. I tried to fight back the tears. I tried to tell myself, no, not now. I am working. Jesus, I don't have time to cry while I'm working. I'll look foolish in front of this Godly couple. (how foolish of me to think this. All people have moments of weakness) I finished translating and as soon as I said the last word, I walked over to Bronagh, put my head on her shoulder and cried. Simply I cried. I cried for that little 5 year old girl who saw images of a couple in a bathtub together having sex. I cried for the little 10 year old girl who had her innocence stripped from her. I cried for the 20 year old girl who had to tell her mom what had happened. I cried for the 29 year old woman who finds healing in Jesus. I cried. I spoke words to the memories and nightmares that haunted me that week. I found freedom in speaking out what had happened. You see, all that time I was trying to fight it, all the time I was trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't let these things rob my joy, I was actually still letting it control me. All I needed to do was be vulnerable. I needed to speak it out. I needed to cry for myself. I needed to cleanse myself with the tears of my Father who loves me and wants nothing more than to protect me. That is when I found freedom. That is when I understood I can now move forward. That is when I knew that JESUS was Lord over another part of my heart.
I don't think I am fully healed. There are still memories and moments that are fuzzy and blacked out. But I KNOW and stand in the knowledge that Jesus is King of my soul! Jesus is my beloved Protector, Provider, and Redeemer. Jesus makes me pure again. Jesus is my joy! This year, UNITED has been a living reminder to quit fighting when God calls me to be a Mary and sit at His feet. God daily takes me on a journey from my head to my heart. I'm learning to let go of many things and get totally lost in Jesus!
I encourage you to check out the song. I'll post the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSol3_QZaaI

1,576,800 minutes and 1 lesson

3 years. 1,095 days. 26,280 hours. 1,576,800 minutes. Okay, I'll stop there. No matter how you put it, it's all the same. My life these past 3 years have been full of ups and downs. I've celebrated lives dedicated to Jesus. I've mourned for lives that have fallen away. I've been broken for my own sinful ways. I've repeatedly laid myself at the foot of the cross, only to stumble again. I've seen my shortcomings and I've seen God work through them. I've recognized my strengths and seen God make them stronger. I've experienced freedom like never before and broke through many insecurities. I've repeatedly asked for forgiveness and sought to give the same in return. I've been in some of my deepest spiritual valleys and rejoiced in some of my greatest mountaintop experiences. I've changed. God has changed me. I pray it is all for the better but I know I still have a long way to go. As I reflect on these past 3 years and look to what is ahead, I experience many different emotions. Some moments I can barely see through the water that fills my eyes. Some moments I am overcome with great joy and expectation of what lies ahead. Some moments I think "if only I did ....." or "did I do enough?" Some moments I rest in the sovereignty of God and know that my work was not in vain. Some moments I don't know what to feel. Some moments I just feel nothing. But every single memory. Every single thought. I always come back to the one constant. Jesus. He never changes. He has never left my side. Even through the moments when I turned my back towards Him, He was always there waiting for me to draw near to Him again. I have understood more of God's incredible grace and how much I do not deserve it. I am more broken now than ever before for my heart and those around me. I have seen so many times over these past 3 years that I have chosen to fulfill the desires of my flesh and not the desires of my Father. I have let my pride get the best of me or probably better to say, the worst of me. I have been challenged in my walk with Jesus more than ever before. I have also tried to become more intentional in my relationships. I have tried to become more intentional and intimate in my relationship with Jesus. I've tried to walk in a heartbeat of obedience, listening for His voice. This summer I really felt God drawing me back to Him. My prayer for these past 3 months has been to come back to my First Love. Be CAPTIVATED by my Beloved. As a missionary, it is very easy to fill every single moment of your life with work. Especially when you work from home. I've found myself thinking so much about this ministry or that ministry. How can I better reach these young people? How can I more effectively care for these young girls? How can I be better? Each of these answers was the same. It's not about doing more ministry. It's not about doing more things and slapping the name of Jesus on them. It's about Jesus. I can be more effective, only if I spend more time with Jesus. I can better love people, only be knowing the love of my Savior. I can only care for people by being so overwhelmed with the love of Christ, it naturally flows from me. I can only be better by becoming more like Jesus and less like alesha. I've been reading through the book of Daniel and I was intrigued by the fact that in the first chapter, Daniel and his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah get new names from King Nebuchadnezzar. Yet throughout the book, Daniel keeps his own but uses the new names, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I asked a few people what they thought and all the answers were the same. The only explanation is that Daniel wrote the book. However, one added this extra thought: "The other 3 men didn't have a choice in what Daniel chose to call them, but did have a choice in what he chose to reflect himself as" This thought really stuck with me. It doesn't matter what people choose to call me or label me as, what matters is who my actions and life reflect. My hearts deepest desire is to reflect Jesus. My deepest yearning is that my actions, my words, my thoughts, my prayers, my life will point others to Jesus and not to myself. I know this can only happen if I remain in my First Love. I know this is not possible on my own strength. I need Jesus. I need more of Jesus. I daily need to humble myself so that He can be glorified through my life. This is my prayer. This is the biggest lesson I've learned in these 3 years. Even as I type this, I know that I've fallen short of this even today and that breaks my heart. That's the real, raw authentic truth, this is my prayer: that I would daily pursue my First Love. That I would daily choose to lay down my life, deny my flesh, and serve my Savior. That I would daily rest in the presence of my Daddy and breath in His very breath. That I would choose joy. Choose love. Choose life. I am desperate for Jesus! I am thankful that He is faithful! I am humbled that He chooses to use me despite my broken messed up life. I praise Jesus that He has made my life whole again! I praise His Name for His gentle, consistent pursuit of my heart! I worship Him for the victory God has in my life!
I pray also for you, dear reader. As much as I know God pursues me, I know that He pursues YOU! I pray that you also will be drawn back to your First Love. I pray that you would know Jesus as your Lord and Savior. That you could truly experience LIFE! I am thankful for each and every one of you! I know that God can do amazing things in and through your life! Who will you choose to reflect?

Jesus+Nothing=EVERYTHING

Lately I've been in a growing place with the Lord. I know every day is a day for growing and that every single day we are being taught by Jesus, the people around us, and the situations that arise. This season that I am in now is one of those brokenness, get real before Jesus, feel like a total wreck learning periods. It has been a hard one to endure but I continue to cling to the promise that a closer and more intimate relationship with Jesus is on the other end. I was asked this particular question, "are you honestly praying before God?" We were talking about something in particular and I said that I have prayed for God to take it away and I believe if it is not of Him, then He would. Thus came the question. "Are you honestly praying before God?" Now I know we can't always feel when we are being honest with God. Sometimes we feel like we are being completely honest with God and maybe there is a small part in our heart that prays from a selfish motive. Maybe sometimes we pray and we come before God knowing the answer we want to receive before we even ask the questions. Sometimes we can do all the talking and not let God speak to us. Sometimes we just come before God with nothing but a broken heart waiting on Jesus to speak to us. I contemplated this question for awhile, maybe longer than I should have but nonetheless this question wrecked my heart. If I am honest, there are a lot of things that I was not praying honestly about. I love my ministry. I love my life in Latvia. I love where I am. I love the people in my life. A lot of times lately I have been going to God in prayer with already "having" the answers I wanted. As I was on my knees in the middle of my room in the dark, I heard a small voice, "Am I enough? Am I enough for you, Alesha?" Open the flood gates now. I was broken. I felt so small and so very broken. Jesus had no longer become enough for me. I was pursuing relationships. I was pursuing ministry. I was pursuing comfort. I was pursuing everything else except Jesus. I needed a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself. I needed to refocus my heart. I remembered one teaching I had heard from my years of serving with Awe Star Ministries, Jesus+nothing=EVERYTHING. It was a teaching that spoke to my heart may years ago and I find that even today it still challenges me. I meditated on this equation for a few days. If my friends were gone. If my family was gone. If all my things were gone. If my ministry was gone. If I was told I needed to leave Latvia and return to America, would Jesus be enough. That day I believe my answer would not have been a good one. For the last couple of months my heart would have said no way. I want all those things plus Jesus but that is not the way we should live. Jesus plus nothing should be enough for us. Jesus himself should be the biggest thing in our lives and should be everything to us. Of course, God blesses us with relationships and things and ministries in our lives but if we put those things before Jesus, then it becomes unhealthy. That is where I was. I am still learning. I want Jesus to be more than enough for me. I yearn for the presence of Jesus to be my biggest and deepest desire. I want that I crave and am so intoxicated with the presence of my Saviour and Beloved that I constantly feel that my cup is overflowing. My prayer is that Jesus is and will always be on the throne of my heart and my first love. Those are my desires. If God blesses me with the opportunity to learn more about him through a marriage, staying in Latvia, continuing my ministry, and an amazing community of brothers and sisters then I will have more than enough. But if there comes a day where I feel like everything is ripped away from me, I pray I will be so close to my Saviour that none of that will matter. That Jesus will be enough for me.
I am still learning. I am still praying. Jesus is building me up and restoring the ruins of my heart. He is doing in His tender and gracious way. He is using those special people in my life to speak words of encouragement. He is revealing Himself even more in Scriptures. He is tenderly overwhelming me with His peace and joy in my heart. I feel like I am even in a season like Adam with Isaac. Am I willing to sacrifice what is dear to me to prove that Jesus is enough? I feel like I can stand here and say, Jesus take what you will, you are more than enough for me.

Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?

The title of this post is something that has wrecked my heart from the first time I heard it. I was a mere 21 years old, living in a new place, new friends around me, new family in my life. I was introduced to one family, the Higgins and was given a book, "I Would Die for You", to read about their son BJ. This book was about a boy who was so passionate about Jesus he laid down his life so others could know about Jesus. He used his last breaths to make sure his nurse knew her Creator. He contracted a disease and ended up dying at the young age of 15. Now, I don't like reading. But as I laid in bed in a new place, new home, I was so captivated by the words on the page I just couldn't put the book down. I remember reading this line, "Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?" and thinking, uncomfortable really isn't a fun place to be. I had just moved from Wisconsin to Oklahoma and so many days I felt so uncomfortable and weird and out of place that I really didn't want to be even more uncomfortable. But something stirred in my heart and I silently told God, yes. My view of the world, my world, was completely flipped upside down and inside out. I always had a heart for helping people but I started to see a bigger picture. I started to see the possibilities of missions overseas. I started to see God's greater plan for my life.
Here we are, some 6 years later living out this very question. The past few months I've repeated this question over and over in my head. I have thought about this word, uncomfortable a lot. This has been the biggest lesson God has been teaching me lately and you know what I've learned? Being uncomfortable is the BEST place we can be with Jesus. It is in the moments where we feel awkward and uncomfortable that God gives us strength and words. It is in those moments I feel most uncomfortable, mostly because of my weaknesses or inadequacies, that I see God moving the most. It is in those moments where I simply say, "God I have nothing to bring to the table but my obedience" that He is most glorified. Living in a state of constant uncomfortability (yes I just made that up :) ) has been a challenge but it has been so rewarding. I'm reminded of the scripture from
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
There have been times where I constantly feel like I am doing everything left-handed. (Yes, I am right-handed) I feel in a constant state of vulnerability and sometimes awkwardness. Yet, there has been this indescribable peace. I have felt the presence of God even more than ever before. I felt the touch of God's Spirit like never before. I have felt the freedom of walking by faith. I have experienced a heart completely captivated by my Beloved. Being uncomfortable has become my new norm.
One example of this has been with leading worship. I have never in my life thought, one day, I want to lead worship. I enjoy singing and I love music but I never thought I would lead worship. When I moved to Latvia, within the first few months I got really tired of worshiping to an iPod or computer. I decided I wanted to learn to play the guitar so I could worship Jesus through playing a guitar. I prayed and within about 4 hours of this, one of my students said, I have a guitar, maybe you want to borrow it. Prayer answered, that was pretty cool. :) So I started plucking away at the strings, trying to make sense of the musical world. I was in choir in high school and show choir and mostly I learned by listening. I could match a pitch but I couldn't really read music. So learning to play the guitar has been a challenge sometimes because I don't know music theory all the well. Anyway, within the first year of trying to figure out the guitar on my own with Jesus, I was faced with the most uncomfortable situation yet. I had to lead worship at Connected or we wouldn't have any worship time. Oh yea, the same night I had to teach as well. I felt overwhelmed. I don't think I slept much that week because if I wasn't preparing my lesson, I was practicing the songs for that night. Not to mention I didn't really know many Latvian songs yet because I mostly played English songs. I went into the Friday night feeling the most uncomfortable I have felt in a long time. To be honest, it was terrible. I fumbled through the songs, I played the wrong rhythms, I was in weird keys. I felt very humbled in that moment. But one of my dear friends encouraged me. She said, "Alesha, it is not about how well you did or how correct you did it. The only thing that matters in that moment is your heart. You were obedient. You answered a need and God was pleased" I still was hard on myself but I was reminded of what worship really is and what life really is about. Life is about having a humble obedient heart even in moments of being uncomfortable. I have lead worship again since then and I'm still not the best, but I've come to realize that God uses those moments I'm uncomfortable as long as I keep my heart humble and obedient before Him.
Six years ago when I read this question, "Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?" I had no idea the journey this call would take me on. Being uncomfortable for Christ and knowing He is with me every step, has been the greatest answer I've ever given to anyone. So I challenge you. Are you feeling like you are ready to get uncomfortable for Christ? I promise you 2 things. 1. It will hurt and Jesus will shake your very core but then there is the second thing. 2. I promise you, it will be the best choice you ever made in your life! As you get uncomfortable, in a place of vulnerability, you allow God to work even more in you and through you!

For I am Yours and You are Mine!

Hello blog world! :)
It has been a long time since I wrote last. I apologize for that. God has been teaching me so much about so many things. Tonight, I want to share part of a song with you. "Oceans" by Hillsong United has been very popular, you may even know it. From the first time I heard this song, it has become a daily prayer of mine. I wanted to take some time tonight and show you a glimpse of what this prayer means to me. This is may not exactly be what they had in mind when they wrote this song but this is what it means to me. I hope you enjoy.
 If you haven't heard it before, here are the words of the bridge. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders. Let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." I am going to break it down line by line. :)

Spirit lead me: I've started to understand, if I want God's Spirit to lead me, I need to see it as more than a "Ghost". (I was raised to see the Trinity as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost) I need to feel which direction and where to take my next step from the Spirit. For this to happen I need to not see God's Spirit as a creepy, translucent, "Casper" looking ghost but see it as something that lives inside of me. I need to sense God's Spirit inside of me. To say Spirit lead me also means I give up control. I don't want to determine my steps but I want God's Spirit to determine them for me.
Where my trust is without boarders: this line may be the most challenging for me. So many times in life I let God guide me within my own limits. I let Him guide me to a point of trust. When I reach that limit or that place of doubt I tend to say, "okay God, that's far enough". I'm learning to push past that. Last Summer, Matiss asked me to pray about being the youth leader this year. If I'm honest, my first reaction was heck no! Matiss encouraged me to take a month and pray about it. Really seek God and see what His plans are not mine. I was attending a History Makers United camp and during my morning Jesus time, I sat and listened to "Oceans". When I heard, "lead me where my trust is without boarders" I fell to my face and cried. I understood in that moment God was saying to me, "Alesha, you have asked me to lead you beyond your trust boarders. If you do not step outside of your strengths, outside of what you believe you can do, outside of yourself, then I cannot take you further. I need you to trust me without limits. I can do far greater things through your complete submissive obedience. Trust me and I will push you deeper. I will not let you sink. I will not let you get lost. I will be with you every step of the way. Trust me." So again I sang with all my heart, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders!"
Let me walk upon the waters: I remember the story of the disciples when Jesus was walking on water. Peter got out of the boat and walked on water until he took his eyes off Jesus. Then he began to sink. This is a reminder for me to always keep my eyes on Jesus. I can only "walk on the waters" of life when I keep my eyes on Jesus. No matter what comes my way: loneliness, feelings of defeat, temptations, helplessness, homesickness, no matter what, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will get through it with great victory! I will walk upon the waters!
Where ever you would call me: This brings me back to my summer in Peru. There was a moment I had with God where I surrendered my life to Jesus. Fully and completely. I told God I wanted to quit fighting against Him and start fighting alongside Him. I said to God, I surrender to You. Where ever you want me to go, I will go. Whatever you want me to do, I will do. I never want to live another day outside of your will. If that means I need to give up everything and everyone in my life, I know I will always have enough in You. I trust You. Do with my life, what you must! Ever since that day in Peru, I have tried my best to follow God wherever He would lead no matter the cost. Of course, there are moments I think about going back home and being with my family or church family but I know that I am doing exactly what God has asked me to do and that in itself brings comfort and joy. As I stay in His will, He will provide everything I need exactly when I need it.
Take me deeper than me feet could ever wander: this is much like beyond my trust boarder but for story sake I'll tell you a story that comes to mind when I sing this. I was in Florida one time with my cousins. Pj and I went swimming in the ocean. Now if you really knew you would know that I really am actually afraid of waves because of a terrifying situation from childhood. However, I have tried many times to overcome this. Anyway, Pj and I went swimming and we notice about some 75-100 yards out from shore was a sand bar that you could stand on. The water would still come up to your knees but we thought, "wouldn't it be cool to stand in the middle of the ocean?" So off we went. We were almost there when I got tired of fighting the waves (I also cannot swim all that well) and I couldn't touch the ground. I was literally deeper than my feet could take me. Pj was standing on this sandbar just a little over arms reach away but every time I got close, a wave would pull me back. This went on for about 5 minutes before I was finally able to reach the sandbar. Looking back I know God is using this moment to relate this song to my life. I was deeper than my feet could touch. I was using my strength to push forward as well as keep my head about the waves. Pj stretched out his hand and pulled me to safety. Which leads me to the next and last line.
My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior: Pj pulled me to safety. When I was using all my strength, giving everything I had to make it just a little bit farther, I had to rely on Pj to help pull me the extra little bit. This is the same with God. There have been times in my life, like stepping up to be the youth leader, where I have felt in a similar situation. I am deep in the ocean and I am just trying to keep my head above the waves. Every time I come to the end of me, Jesus is there to pull me deeper. Jesus is there to pull me to a place of rest. In the presence of my Savior, knowing that He constantly pulls me to the next place, my faith is ALWAYS made stronger. This can only happen while I am in His presence.
And that is what I think this whole song is about and that is what God has been teaching me. Stay in His presence. There your faith will be made stronger every day. In the presence of God we receive the biggest blessing we could ever get, HIM! It is not about the things we do or the things we are great at. It is not about serving God more or doing more for God. It is all about resting in His presence! Daily being in the presence of God and through that our faith will be made stronger!

I encourage you, if you haven't heard this song, listen to it. Shut off all distractions close your eyes and listen. Multiple times. Let these words become your prayer. Let Jesus take you farther and deeper than you ever imagined. Trust Him with your heart, your soul, and your life. I promise you, it will all be worth it!

Check out the song here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs

Reoccuring Theme, Stay in the Presence of God!

First, Happy Thanksgiving blog readers! :) I am thankful for so many things I could write an entire blog on just that. But, I will not. I want to write and share about something that has been on my heart a lot in the past month.
As some of you may know or maybe were wondering, I am praying through extending my stay in Latvia past the original two years. When I started this journey back in the summer of 2011 I had some feeling that maybe it would last longer than two years but I wasn't sure. There were moments last year I felt like I would stay longer and moments where I felt like 2 years was enough. However, the more I pray about, the more affirmation I receive to extend my stay. There have been two things recently that are playing a part in this affirmation. Latvia, Kuldīga, this place is becoming my home. I can feel it in my heart and see it in my life. The pictures in my flat have been on a slow processing of being replaced by the fresh new faces of dear Latvians. I have started calling HOG "my"church. The flat that I live in, it is my home. It feels like my home. It feels like a sanctuary where I can be completely at peace and rest. The once strange smells, sights, sounds of Kuldīga hae become something I treasure. Even when I visit Rīga, it is always a sense of home as soon as I step off that bus in Kuldīga. The people in my life here, oh how they have blessed me. Last weekend, closest friends made the trip from Rīga and Liepaja to join and celebrate Thanksgiving with me. They knew and saw that it was something important to me so they wanted to be there for me. You just can't force something like that, it is all by God's grace. My closest friend got married this summer and I thought this would only make us grow a part. To my surprise and delight, the exact opposite has happened. We started doing a bible study together, yes even over the phone, praying together, and being more intentional about our conversations. She has become more than a friend to me but a dear sister in Christ. She has seen my darkest side and secrets and loves me anyway. She has seen some of my happiest moments and shared in that joy. I can only think of 2 other people who know me like Lana does and love me all the same. God has given me the greatest support system here in Latvia and these relationships are among some of the best I've had in my 26 years of life. Latvia is my home. :) Of course, no one can replace my church family or my family and friends back "home" but God is opening my heart to see this as my current home and place of worship. :) I still love those back in the States dearly and can't wait to see you soon!!! :) :)
The second and I think even bigger affirmation is something that was started in my head back in September when I went to the JV conference in Czech. One man was talking about the Old Testament and how people would literally follow the presence of God. There was a tent and if God's presence was there, his people would stay there. If the presence of God left, then the people left. Then he asked, wouldn't it be great if we lived our lives like that today, just following the presence of God? At the moment I thought, oh yea, that would be cool and then didn't give it another thought. Then about a month ago I was Skyping with a dear friend of mine and she was talking about the presence of God. We were talking about ministry here and she said you need to stay where God is and follow God's presence in your ministry. Yes, there will be people outside of your ministry but if God is asking you to be in one place, don't leave until God leads you too. It was very interesting to me and it reminded me of this question back in September, living a life following the presence of God. The very next day I lead a girls bible study over John 1:35-42 where Jesus calls his disciples. There was instant obedience, go where God is going. Follow Jesus. Again, the thought crossed my mind, go where God is. Where God is leading you, that is where you need to go, not your own way. Okay, now I really started to think seriously about this thought. Obviously God is showing me something if this has come up three times now. But wait, there is just one more time that this has been brought up and I think this brings it full circle. Last Friday, the message at Connected was about being in the presence of God. Kristaps preached out of Exodus where Moses and Joshua go into the tent where is the presence of God. Moses went out from the tent and Joshua stayed. God went on to use Joshua to defeat many armies and to continue to lead the people to the Promised Land. Of course, Kristaps wasn't saying anything bad about Moses but his point was why did God choose to use someone like Joshua, a nobody? It was because Joshua was seeking the presence of God and stayed in His presence. Some people know this but many don't. When I was first praying about coming to Latvia and was in contact with Matiss and the HOG church leaders, someone told Matiss that he was like Moses and I was like a Joshua. It was interesting then but it seemed even more interesting now as God has been showing me the most recent thing. Be like Joshua, stay in the presence of God and follow where He leads. Stay where He stays. So with all this to say, here is what I feel like God is revealing to me. I must stay in the presence of God. As I look at Connected, as I look at HOG church in Kuldiga, as I look at this ministry here, God is working! God is doing some incredible work. The enemy is also fighting and thinking he can win this battle, but I can see a change for the better. It is a struggle, this is not an easy fight but when I think back to my first months here and I look at this place now, there is a difference, There is a change. God is working in far bigger ways than I ever imagined or thought. God has a plan and I believe God is asking, "will you stay and fight here longer?" God's presence is here. God is working. God is here in Latvia and something amazing is about to happen. I am ready and willing to fight and to stay in Latvia. Be encouraged dear readers, even if there are hard times and hard battles ahead of you the good Lord will win the fight! Will you join His army or fight against it? Jesus loves you! Be blessed! Have a great day, eat lots of turkey and cherish every moment spent with loved ones! :) :)

Adjusting....

I recently had a conversation the other day with a woman from my church. We talked about life here in Latvia and she asked me many questions. When I told her that I had "adjusted" to life in Latvia, she saw that as a negative thing. I have thought a lot about this and decided todays post would be about just that, adjusting. I decided to look up the definition of adjusting and this is what I found.  

Adjusting:

1.To adapt or conform, as to new conditions

2.To achieve a psychological balance with regard to one's external environment, one's needs, and the demands of others.

Let me put this conversation in context for you. She asked me if living in Latvia was hard for me. I smiled and with hesitation said, "Yes, but I am adjusting to life here". She then probed more and wanted to understand what I meant. So I proceeded to tell her that yes, there are hard moments, there are hard times, and last year there were a couple of hard months. But, I am adjusting to life in Latvia and it is getting better. I started to explain about my home church, South Community Church, and how community based it is. Every Sunday you are greeted with smiling faces, hugs, at least a minute of "quality time" in service, a meal together afterwards and you felt like you were a part of a great church family. Every week I was with my church family almost daily from worship practice, small group, youth group, being a nanny, not to mention the deep friendships I have. My life was filled with great community that challenged me, encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me, and grew with me as we grew closer to God. My community group was a solid group of people that LOVED to spend time together. Even in our busy crazy lives, we knew that our group was a safe place to come, be vulnerable, be encouraged, and grow in God's Word. At the age of 25, I had found a church family that many go their whole lives searching for. But, this is not America and this is not SCC. I am living in a culture that is shaped by its past. I am living in a culture of people that has been depressed and oppressed by the Russians and Germans. I am living in a culture that doesn't smile very often and doesn't trust very easily. I am now living in a culture that is the exact opposite of life at SCC. That is something I need to adjust to. Of course, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying SCC is perfect and Latvia stinks, what I am saying is I need to adjust. Life looks different now than it did before. Let's talk about this culture. This past summer, I took a visiting friend to the occupation musuem. If you know me, you know that history is not really my thing, but my dear friend loves history so I decided we should go. I am so glad we did. I learned so many things about the Latvian people that I was able to gain a lot of perspective on the culture even today. So many times people came here promising help, only to make conditions worse. People came to offer freedom and all these great things but only gave enslavement and fear. People promised to bring about change for the good, only to once again bring change for the worse. Families were uprooted and sent packing to remote places in Russia. Familes were stripped of their belongings, their homes, their identities and forced to conform to communism. With each failed attempt at help, the more hardened hearts became. With each broken promise, came a heart of dispair. People were forced to live lives a certain way and felt no sense of freedom in anything. They would even communicate with whispers in their own homes as to not be heard by the wrong people or their neighbors. I couldn't imagine living a life like that but I can see the repercussions of it today. Still it is hard to earn the turst of a National. It is hard to bring a promise of hope and true freedom in Jesus, because it seems that you belong to a cult and they want nothing to do with it. It is hard to bring the idea of community to a place that wants to be so private. It is hard, but it is worth it! It may be hard but Jesus has still asked me to be faithful. So yes, there are times where I feel alone. The lack of 20 somethings in my city doesn't help either because there are no universities and no real job opportunites in the small town of Kuldiga. I would attend church on Sundays and almost feel invisible at times. I would say hi to some people and maybe 20% of the time get a response back. I am new. I am different. I am an outsider and I need to earn their trust. I have had to make the biggest adjustment of them all, going from being completely surrounded by great community to feeling almost invisible in my church. I have had to adjust. I have had to learn to rely even more on my relationship with Jesus. I have learned to be even more assertive in asking those dear to me for help. I have adjusted to living in an introverted culture by graciously loving like Jesus would. Trying my best to love without expecting anything in return. I am still adjusting and still learning but I know the reward is great! Now please, don't read this and think life is terrible here because it is not. As many of you know, I have have seen the great reward of perserverance in building relationships. Even though it may be hard to earn the trust of a National, once you do, it's the best feeling there is. I have a very dear friend who has been great in helping me adjust. In the past year, we have grown so close together we can almost know what each other is thinking in any given situation. It took me awhile to gain her trust, even as a believer, but the months of waiting, being vulnerable to her, and letting her see my weakest moments has brought about one of the greatest friendships of my short 26 years of life. We have had moments in the past year that I will remember for a lifetime. The best part about it is, I feel like we are just beginning our friendship but have known each other for years. I have seen the impact on my students as well. God is bringing about change to Latvia. Even as I adjust to Latvian culture and bring Jesus to the hard place, He is working to help them adjust to living a life that reflects Him. I have seen small changes in the church here. Slowly but surely God is working and for that I praise Him! Adjusting is not a bad thing. I believe adjusting, when done in a way that brings Glory to God, is exactly what our world needs. I can't expect to move to another country and demand the people to conform and meet my needs. I need to expect that God will give me the grace, patience, and love to adjust to those who need to hear about His love and redemption. As I adjust to living in another culture I need to live out 1 Corinthians 9:20-22 "To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some." If I want to help win the Latvians to Christ, then I need to adjust to life here and become like the Latvians. I promise you, it is an adjustment worth making and I have no regrets. I love the life God has given me here and I know that I know, I am exactly where God wants me. :)