3 years. 1,095 days. 26,280 hours. 1,576,800 minutes. Okay, I'll stop there. No matter how you put it, it's all the same. My life these past 3 years have been full of ups and downs. I've celebrated lives dedicated to Jesus. I've mourned for lives that have fallen away. I've been broken for my own sinful ways. I've repeatedly laid myself at the foot of the cross, only to stumble again. I've seen my shortcomings and I've seen God work through them. I've recognized my strengths and seen God make them stronger. I've experienced freedom like never before and broke through many insecurities. I've repeatedly asked for forgiveness and sought to give the same in return. I've been in some of my deepest spiritual valleys and rejoiced in some of my greatest mountaintop experiences. I've changed. God has changed me. I pray it is all for the better but I know I still have a long way to go. As I reflect on these past 3 years and look to what is ahead, I experience many different emotions. Some moments I can barely see through the water that fills my eyes. Some moments I am overcome with great joy and expectation of what lies ahead. Some moments I think "if only I did ....." or "did I do enough?" Some moments I rest in the sovereignty of God and know that my work was not in vain. Some moments I don't know what to feel. Some moments I just feel nothing. But every single memory. Every single thought. I always come back to the one constant. Jesus. He never changes. He has never left my side. Even through the moments when I turned my back towards Him, He was always there waiting for me to draw near to Him again. I have understood more of God's incredible grace and how much I do not deserve it. I am more broken now than ever before for my heart and those around me. I have seen so many times over these past 3 years that I have chosen to fulfill the desires of my flesh and not the desires of my Father. I have let my pride get the best of me or probably better to say, the worst of me. I have been challenged in my walk with Jesus more than ever before. I have also tried to become more intentional in my relationships. I have tried to become more intentional and intimate in my relationship with Jesus. I've tried to walk in a heartbeat of obedience, listening for His voice. This summer I really felt God drawing me back to Him. My prayer for these past 3 months has been to come back to my First Love. Be CAPTIVATED by my Beloved. As a missionary, it is very easy to fill every single moment of your life with work. Especially when you work from home. I've found myself thinking so much about this ministry or that ministry. How can I better reach these young people? How can I more effectively care for these young girls? How can I be better? Each of these answers was the same. It's not about doing more ministry. It's not about doing more things and slapping the name of Jesus on them. It's about Jesus. I can be more effective, only if I spend more time with Jesus. I can better love people, only be knowing the love of my Savior. I can only care for people by being so overwhelmed with the love of Christ, it naturally flows from me. I can only be better by becoming more like Jesus and less like alesha. I've been reading through the book of Daniel and I was intrigued by the fact that in the first chapter, Daniel and his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah get new names from King Nebuchadnezzar. Yet throughout the book, Daniel keeps his own but uses the new names, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I asked a few people what they thought and all the answers were the same. The only explanation is that Daniel wrote the book. However, one added this extra thought: "The other 3 men didn't have a choice in what Daniel chose to call them, but did have a choice in what he chose to reflect himself as" This thought really stuck with me. It doesn't matter what people choose to call me or label me as, what matters is who my actions and life reflect. My hearts deepest desire is to reflect Jesus. My deepest yearning is that my actions, my words, my thoughts, my prayers, my life will point others to Jesus and not to myself. I know this can only happen if I remain in my First Love. I know this is not possible on my own strength. I need Jesus. I need more of Jesus. I daily need to humble myself so that He can be glorified through my life. This is my prayer. This is the biggest lesson I've learned in these 3 years. Even as I type this, I know that I've fallen short of this even today and that breaks my heart. That's the real, raw authentic truth, this is my prayer: that I would daily pursue my First Love. That I would daily choose to lay down my life, deny my flesh, and serve my Savior. That I would daily rest in the presence of my Daddy and breath in His very breath. That I would choose joy. Choose love. Choose life. I am desperate for Jesus! I am thankful that He is faithful! I am humbled that He chooses to use me despite my broken messed up life. I praise Jesus that He has made my life whole again! I praise His Name for His gentle, consistent pursuit of my heart! I worship Him for the victory God has in my life!
I pray also for you, dear reader. As much as I know God pursues me, I know that He pursues YOU! I pray that you also will be drawn back to your First Love. I pray that you would know Jesus as your Lord and Savior. That you could truly experience LIFE! I am thankful for each and every one of you! I know that God can do amazing things in and through your life! Who will you choose to reflect?
