Testimony

I was asked to write my testimony for House of God church magazine. I thought I would take this opportunity to share it with you all. My name is Alesha Nutter and this is a story of God’s grace saving me and working in my life. I grew up on a dairy farm in Wisconsin, USA. Most of my memories I have from childhood are with my aunt and uncle as my mom was recovering from using drugs. My dad left when I was 1 year old and my sister was back and forth between living with us and living with her dad. I didn’t have much of a stable life but I knew I was loved. When I was around 10 years old, my mom married this guy she had been dating for 8 years. He was like my dad in the sense that he raised me. He was emotionally there for me like a father should and treated me like his own. Then something changed. My step-father started to abuse me sexually. My mom worked nights so it was easy for him to come into my room without anyone knowing. I remember being scared, I remembered thinking maybe this is normal. Maybe it is my fault? No matter what I thought, I knew from that moment my life would never be the same. As I continued to grow up and mature, I felt ashamed. I felt unworthy of anyone’s love. I felt dirty. I remember so many times in high school I just wanted to tell someone but I didn’t have the courage. I didn’t want to hurt my mom. Also, during high school, I started becoming really involved in my church. I was even seen as a leader but deep inside, I didn’t really believe there was a God. How could there be a God when this happened? How could God love me when I was so broken and dirty? Why would I want God to love me like a Father if the only 2 fathers I have known have left me or abused me? On the outside, I was a happy, good person who seemed to have it all together. But on the inside, I was a mess. The little 10-year old girl was crying inside of me and was seeking for genuine innocent love. I went off to college and things only got worse. I started to party and have bad relationships with boys. I felt my purpose in life was to fulfill a man’s pleasure. The deeper I got in the parties, the emptier I felt. Then I met my real dad. At first it was a fairy tale meeting. From the first moment I hugged him, I felt like I had known him all my life. I felt that 10 year old girl inside of me crying from relief. I felt like I had everything. Sadly to say, that feeling didn’t last. As time went on, I realized my heart was still empty, there had to be something more. One cousin of mine, from my dad’s side of the family, started telling me about Jesus. She started telling me about having a relationship with Jesus; about talking to Jesus like a friend. The more we talked about it, the more I started to realize what was missing from my heart. Jesus. Somehow I found the courage to tell one of my coaches what had happened between my step-dad and I and then with the help of some amazing friends, I found the courage to tell my mom. As I told my coach everything that happened, I felt all the tears I had kept inside for 10 years come out of me, but as I cried to Jesus, I felt a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Soon after, I moved from Wisconsin to Oklahoma and started attending church with my cousin on a regular basis again. One Sunday I was at the front of the church asking Jesus to save me. I was asking Jesus to help me get my life on the right path. For the first time, I felt I had a sense of peace in my heart. I felt that genuine love I had be searching for. I moved in with 3 really great girls. They were examples of how to have a relationship with Jesus and how to live daily life as an impactful Christian. I still had a lot of questions and even sometimes some doubts. I still couldn’t trust God as a father and really couldn’t trust anyone. In the summer of 2009, I went on a mission trip to Peru with Awe Star Ministries. That summer my world was turned upside-down and any pain, hurt, mistrust, anything bad I felt towards God was emptied from me and filled with trust and love for Jesus. Through some circumstances on that trip, I learned to trust God with my life and I told Him I surrender everything to you. I also felt in my heart to search more about missions. I felt in my heart then, that God was equipping me to do a ministry in building relationships with people and helping young women and girls from broken home lives find their future in Jesus not their past. Of course, this didn’t happen overnight and it took place over 4 years and through many hard lessons but each step of the way, God has been faithful and by my side. In the summer of 2011, I came to Latvia with a team of Americans as part of an Awe Star Ministries trip. That summer changed my life in so many ways. On that trip, one of our translators had become one of my really good friends. God used her to open my heart to trusting people. God used her to show His love for me. Prior to this trip, I had only let people see so much of my heart. I was always trying to guard my heart with all my friends. That summer, God opened my heart even when I tried to resist it. But since God opened my heart to Linda and He allowed me to trust Linda, God used that friendship to help me share my testimony in great detail with one girl in Ventspils. As we sat on the grass, sharing all that God had done in my life, the pain, the triumphs, I saw God working in a new way. I realized that my life, my story, was way bigger than just me. I realized that God has saved me from my past to help change the future for many other girls. I realized that as I felt in Peru, God had been equipping me all along to minister to girls who think they have no future outside of finding their identity in a man. I realized that the biggest tool God can use is our freedom. It is His grace that changed my life and can change so many other lives. So, when I got home, I felt this burning in my heart to come back to Latvia. I contacted a couple of our translators, one being Matiss Upitis, and began praying about coming back. It became clearer and clearer everyday that God wanted me back in Latvia. I took a trip here in March to check things out and to find affirmation. God blew me away and I left with a great confidence and peace that I was supposed to serve God in Latvia. I went home, but a board together of people who would pray for me and help me along this journey. I raised the money to get back here and here I am. I will be in Latvia for 2 years, (until September 2014) working with House of God church and mostly in Kulidiga with Connected. After the 2 years, only God knows what will happen, but there is a possibility of being in Latvia more longer term. I have been here for almost 3 months and love everything about it. God has been teaching me so many things already about trusting Him, waiting on Him, serving like Him, and letting Him lead. God is faithful each and every day and reminds me that life is about falling more in love with Him all the time. Yes, it is hard being away from family and friends, especially my church family, but I know being obedient and away from those I love is far better than being disobedient and in the company of loved ones. Besides, God has already placed some really great people in my life here and we are quickly becoming family. Of course the language barrier is hard but with lots of study and God’s grace to help me learn quickly, it is coming. I am confident that by summer time, I won’t need a translator. As I was praying about coming here, there was one verse that stuck out to me and has been an encouragement often thus far on my journey in Latvia. Galatians 5:13 “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” I believe this verse goes along with what I felt God’s calling on my life was. I am set free from my past. I have forgiven my step-dad for what has happened. I have found my purpose in life. I have found direction. But as this verse says, I need to use my freedom to serve others. God has saved me, so that others can see His grace and His love. God has set me free, not only to release me from my chains, but to help release others from their chains. I know I cannot do this on my own for I cannot change the world, but I can try to love like God has called me to and be a tool used by Him. There is greater joy in surrendering my life to Jesus and going wherever He calls me to go, than staying in my comfortable, busy life only looking out for myself. I hope that one day when I stand before God, I will hear Him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Thanksgiving in the "sacrifices"

The month of November always gets the thankfulness juices flowing. It seems in the spirit of the holiday season a lot of people use these days to say thanks for things they wouldn't otherwise say. Even on Facebook people even post something to be thankful for everyday until Thanksgiving. Being in another country, which for obvious reasons doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, it has been a different take on this holiday season for me. I mean it is already November 7 and I feel like just yesterday it was October 1. But I have talked to a few people here about Thanksgiving and why we celebrate it. Honestly, they seemed to know more about it than I did. It started as a holiday where we would thank God for the things we have in our lives. It was a day to set aside differences and come together in love and give thanks. But something I've thought about these past few years and I think even more now, is why do we wait for this holiday to say thank you? Why do we all of a sudden "make time" to say thanks when it should happen everyday? I knew coming here wasn't going to be a walk in the park. I knew and anticipated there would be difficult moments. I don't think I realized to what degree I would have to give things up. I don't think I realized the depth of the things I would be missing to follow Jesus. I read these verses a few weeks ago, Luke 14:25-33 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. These verses got me thinking about my trip to Peru in 2009 when I heard "Lead Me to the Cross" for the first time. There is a lyric that says, "everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss." I knew that summer God was calling me to missions. I felt in my heart but didn't really understand. But I did understand I was going to have to "count the cost". This was the cost. To full heartedly follow Jesus, to be a discple and tell others about Him, I had to be willing to take everything I held dear and lay it at His feet and trust Him. So what was the cost? Chiara, Ethan, Isaac, and Jonny. When I made the decision to trust God and let Him lead me, I felt in my heart, they were what I had to give up. I love being an Auntie. I love being THEIR Auntie! I can't imagine my life without their smiles, their laughs, their hugs, and their kisses. I love the moments I get to cuddle with one of them on the couch or when I get to get beat up by the boys because they love wrestling. I love that Chiara wants to be like me. I love that Ethan still gives me kisses on the phone even though he's almost 8. I love that Isaac tries anything to make me laugh. I love that when Jonny is upset, he comes to me and just wants my sympathy. But I've understood something really valuable. If I would have stayed in America and disobeyed what I felt God was calling me to do, I wouldn't have had peace in my heart. I couldn't love them to my heart's fullest potential. I couldn't be the best example and role model for them by staying. I understand that even though I will not get to hug them or kiss them for at least 2 years, I am impacting their life more than I ever could before. Why do you ask? Because I believe this. When Jesus came into my life and I truly decided to live the rest of my life for Him, my life has radically changed. I have hope. I have purpose. I have peace. I have love. I have grace. The way I live my life now, only by the grace and strength of God, I realize that if my actions and words do not point others to Christ, there is no purpose. And when I truly live this way, it will cause a ripple effect. I have faith, that the choices I make now will affect the future for the better. If God tells me to go to Latvia and I stay in America, think of how many lives would be affected. Not only the lives here in Latvia or my own life, but every other person I would come in contact with. Yes, some of these would probably be glorifying to God still, but I would know I was being disobedient. Nobody else may ever know it, but I would feel it in my heart. Now, suppose I go to Latvia, which obviously I have, think of the lives that are affected now. God's grace and love is extended beyond my thoughts. This story becomes WAAAYYYY bigger than me. Not only that, but I imagine one day, when Chiara, Ethan, Isaac, and Jonny get old enough to understand, I can tell them why I gave up everything to follow what I believe in. I pray that leaves a bigger impact on their life than any amount of face to face moments we could have. So, when I left, did I realize just how deep the sacrifices would go? No, probably not. But I am starting to understand just how deep the influence goes and how much greater the reward is. What is the reward in giving up everything to follow Jesus. The reward for not getting to hug or kiss my niece and nephews for 2 years? Falling more and more in love with my Daddy, my Savior, my King. :) All that to say, tonight/this morning, I am thankful for 2 things. I thank God for allowing me to be called Auntie by 4 very special kids. And I am thankful that God called me to "sacrifice" the very things I held dear to fall more in love with Him! When you look at it that way, it is not really much of a sacrifice is it?