Lately I've been in a growing place with the Lord. I know every day is a day for growing and that every single day we are being taught by Jesus, the people around us, and the situations that arise. This season that I am in now is one of those brokenness, get real before Jesus, feel like a total wreck learning periods. It has been a hard one to endure but I continue to cling to the promise that a closer and more intimate relationship with Jesus is on the other end. I was asked this particular question, "are you honestly praying before God?" We were talking about something in particular and I said that I have prayed for God to take it away and I believe if it is not of Him, then He would. Thus came the question. "Are you honestly praying before God?" Now I know we can't always feel when we are being honest with God. Sometimes we feel like we are being completely honest with God and maybe there is a small part in our heart that prays from a selfish motive. Maybe sometimes we pray and we come before God knowing the answer we want to receive before we even ask the questions. Sometimes we can do all the talking and not let God speak to us. Sometimes we just come before God with nothing but a broken heart waiting on Jesus to speak to us. I contemplated this question for awhile, maybe longer than I should have but nonetheless this question wrecked my heart. If I am honest, there are a lot of things that I was not praying honestly about. I love my ministry. I love my life in Latvia. I love where I am. I love the people in my life. A lot of times lately I have been going to God in prayer with already "having" the answers I wanted. As I was on my knees in the middle of my room in the dark, I heard a small voice, "Am I enough? Am I enough for you, Alesha?" Open the flood gates now. I was broken. I felt so small and so very broken. Jesus had no longer become enough for me. I was pursuing relationships. I was pursuing ministry. I was pursuing comfort. I was pursuing everything else except Jesus. I needed a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself. I needed to refocus my heart. I remembered one teaching I had heard from my years of serving with Awe Star Ministries, Jesus+nothing=EVERYTHING. It was a teaching that spoke to my heart may years ago and I find that even today it still challenges me. I meditated on this equation for a few days. If my friends were gone. If my family was gone. If all my things were gone. If my ministry was gone. If I was told I needed to leave Latvia and return to America, would Jesus be enough. That day I believe my answer would not have been a good one. For the last couple of months my heart would have said no way. I want all those things plus Jesus but that is not the way we should live. Jesus plus nothing should be enough for us. Jesus himself should be the biggest thing in our lives and should be everything to us. Of course, God blesses us with relationships and things and ministries in our lives but if we put those things before Jesus, then it becomes unhealthy. That is where I was. I am still learning. I want Jesus to be more than enough for me. I yearn for the presence of Jesus to be my biggest and deepest desire. I want that I crave and am so intoxicated with the presence of my Saviour and Beloved that I constantly feel that my cup is overflowing. My prayer is that Jesus is and will always be on the throne of my heart and my first love. Those are my desires. If God blesses me with the opportunity to learn more about him through a marriage, staying in Latvia, continuing my ministry, and an amazing community of brothers and sisters then I will have more than enough. But if there comes a day where I feel like everything is ripped away from me, I pray I will be so close to my Saviour that none of that will matter. That Jesus will be enough for me.
I am still learning. I am still praying. Jesus is building me up and restoring the ruins of my heart. He is doing in His tender and gracious way. He is using those special people in my life to speak words of encouragement. He is revealing Himself even more in Scriptures. He is tenderly overwhelming me with His peace and joy in my heart. I feel like I am even in a season like Adam with Isaac. Am I willing to sacrifice what is dear to me to prove that Jesus is enough? I feel like I can stand here and say, Jesus take what you will, you are more than enough for me.
