It's time for the yearly post, :) I really want to be better about this, but it just doesn't seem to take priority these days. But, there are a lot of things I want to share and spill from my heart. :) Today, I read back on my blog post from 3 years ago. I had just finished my first year in Latvia. I wrote about how I had changed so much during those 12 months. How God challenged me, broke me, lifted me, and His constant provision! I wrote about the youth group and all the work that He was doing in their lives. God did a lot that year! And yet, as I sit here, starting year 5 of this 2 year journey, :D God has done so much more since then! The one constant: GOD REMAINS FAITHFUL! Every step of the way, every decision, every move, every connection that was made, every path that was crossed, all were in God's plan! I couldn't imagine looking back 4 years ago and seeing myself where I am today. God's sovereignty is perfect. Jesus is perfect in every way.
I'm not even sure where to go with this post. There are so many things on my heart but I believe the biggest is what happened during History Makers UNITED camp. Going into UNITED this year, I really felt in my heart, "don't get caught up in being a Martha, remain a student in the school of Mary". (Luke 10:38-42) This meant that I shouldn't get caught up in all the work that must be done, but simply remember to rest at the feet of Jesus and soak up all that I can. Of course, I said, yea, okay Jesus. But you know I have to do this, I need to lead this, I have to take care of them, I need to make sure this is done, and on and on. I tried to make every excuse in the book to keep busy. But some how, God's plans always prevail, even when I fight it. So here goes the story...
Monday, a dear friend of mine and I were sitting in her room talking and playing with her kiddos. She asked me what seemed like an innocent question, "I don't know any girls who don't like to take baths, why don't you like to take a bath?" I thought for a minute about my answer and decided to be honest with her. I had never told anyone the real answer, EVER in my life. Mostly, I don't like baths because who wants to sit in dirty water, right? Then I need to shower anyway, so I might as well skip the bath. :) But I knew that wasn't the answer that needed to be shared. The real reason is because as a small child, one of the incidents when my step-dad sexually abused me, took place in a bathtub. Even as I write this, my heart skips a beat, a lump forms in my throat, and my eyes are leaking, the same thing happened the day I answered this question. I thought for a moment, let myself have my quick leak of tears and pulled myself together and moved on. Or so I thought. The next few days, I busied myself with my lists of many things. I needed to do that. I needed to help this person. I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn't think about this question. I thought: I am free from my past. I know God has redeemed me. I don't live in the past. But something wasn't right. Something still held me back from truly sitting at the feet of Jesus. Something kept me with the feeling of wanting to be busy. Wednesday came and the campers all arrived and the evening meeting started. Honestly, I felt defeated. I felt tired and the camp had only just begun. I translated the opening of the service for some Irish people, sang a few songs in worship, and then decided I needed to be busy again. I didn't want to deal with these emotions. I didn't want to let these thoughts have control over me. So I took the little peanut, Elizabete, and went to the back of the tent by the back entrance. I left the stroller by the tent and walked a bit away to fight with myself about these thoughts in my heart. I simply closed my eyes and willed myself to sing. I was all alone, in a field, singing to my Jesus and the lyrics at that moment where "More than words, more than good ideas, I found your love in an open field." I opened my eyes and thought, how ironic Jesus. Here I am, in an open field. Okay, you have my attention. Then the words go on to say, "There's no shame. In looking like a fool. When I give you all I can't keep to take a hold of you". We kept singing it and singing it and I started to listen more. There is NO SHAME in looking like a fool. NO shame! First off, it's okay to cry. There is no shame in crying. The second thing is I know I can't hold on to Jesus, if my hands are already full. If my mind is so caught up in all these things, if my heart is so focused on fighting these feelings, that leaves no room for Jesus. I cannot fully hold on to Him, if I don't let go of the other things first. Okay, so I had my moment with God. I felt this weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe, like I had a new wind, new spring in my step. Until the next morning. I was in worship and about halfway through I understood, I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and pretend like everything is okay. I need to get alone with Jesus and deal with these things. I cried. I prayed. I journaled. I prayed some more. I cried some more. I then asked my friend to come pray with me. I was so determined to not let these memories take hold and rob my week. I would just will myself to be joyful. Ha. Not how it works. Later that day, Bronagh was doing a break out session about "God's Story in Abuse" and I just knew I needed to go. Plus, I love to hear her speak. I believe God pours out His wisdom from her mouth. It's incredible to learn from this woman. One of the main things I remember from her talk was something along these lines. -by not telling others the pain and abuse you have suffered in your life, you limit God's glory. When people don't really know where you have come from, they cannot understand how much God has been glorified in your life!- I thought, wow. This is so simple yet so hard. If people don't know the details, they cannot really understand how far God has brought you. Yet, it leaves you in an incredibly vulnerable place to share about the past. Of course, I don't believe that means you go around telling every one, every detail, but when the Spirit prompts you, don't hold back.
After this session, I tried to busy myself with even more things. I went to the service, did my translating, and then proceeded to the back of the tent again. I found comfort in watching from the back. After the worship and powerful message, I went back up front to translate. I honestly don't remember what I was translating. I only remember I felt like the speaker was speaking right to me. I tried to fight back the tears. I tried to tell myself, no, not now. I am working. Jesus, I don't have time to cry while I'm working. I'll look foolish in front of this Godly couple. (how foolish of me to think this. All people have moments of weakness) I finished translating and as soon as I said the last word, I walked over to Bronagh, put my head on her shoulder and cried. Simply I cried. I cried for that little 5 year old girl who saw images of a couple in a bathtub together having sex. I cried for the little 10 year old girl who had her innocence stripped from her. I cried for the 20 year old girl who had to tell her mom what had happened. I cried for the 29 year old woman who finds healing in Jesus. I cried. I spoke words to the memories and nightmares that haunted me that week. I found freedom in speaking out what had happened. You see, all that time I was trying to fight it, all the time I was trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't let these things rob my joy, I was actually still letting it control me. All I needed to do was be vulnerable. I needed to speak it out. I needed to cry for myself. I needed to cleanse myself with the tears of my Father who loves me and wants nothing more than to protect me. That is when I found freedom. That is when I understood I can now move forward. That is when I knew that JESUS was Lord over another part of my heart.
I don't think I am fully healed. There are still memories and moments that are fuzzy and blacked out. But I KNOW and stand in the knowledge that Jesus is King of my soul! Jesus is my beloved Protector, Provider, and Redeemer. Jesus makes me pure again. Jesus is my joy! This year, UNITED has been a living reminder to quit fighting when God calls me to be a Mary and sit at His feet. God daily takes me on a journey from my head to my heart. I'm learning to let go of many things and get totally lost in Jesus!
I encourage you to check out the song. I'll post the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSol3_QZaaI
