Lately I've been in a growing place with the Lord. I know every day is a day for growing and that every single day we are being taught by Jesus, the people around us, and the situations that arise. This season that I am in now is one of those brokenness, get real before Jesus, feel like a total wreck learning periods. It has been a hard one to endure but I continue to cling to the promise that a closer and more intimate relationship with Jesus is on the other end. I was asked this particular question, "are you honestly praying before God?" We were talking about something in particular and I said that I have prayed for God to take it away and I believe if it is not of Him, then He would. Thus came the question. "Are you honestly praying before God?" Now I know we can't always feel when we are being honest with God. Sometimes we feel like we are being completely honest with God and maybe there is a small part in our heart that prays from a selfish motive. Maybe sometimes we pray and we come before God knowing the answer we want to receive before we even ask the questions. Sometimes we can do all the talking and not let God speak to us. Sometimes we just come before God with nothing but a broken heart waiting on Jesus to speak to us. I contemplated this question for awhile, maybe longer than I should have but nonetheless this question wrecked my heart. If I am honest, there are a lot of things that I was not praying honestly about. I love my ministry. I love my life in Latvia. I love where I am. I love the people in my life. A lot of times lately I have been going to God in prayer with already "having" the answers I wanted. As I was on my knees in the middle of my room in the dark, I heard a small voice, "Am I enough? Am I enough for you, Alesha?" Open the flood gates now. I was broken. I felt so small and so very broken. Jesus had no longer become enough for me. I was pursuing relationships. I was pursuing ministry. I was pursuing comfort. I was pursuing everything else except Jesus. I needed a "come to Jesus" meeting with myself. I needed to refocus my heart. I remembered one teaching I had heard from my years of serving with Awe Star Ministries, Jesus+nothing=EVERYTHING. It was a teaching that spoke to my heart may years ago and I find that even today it still challenges me. I meditated on this equation for a few days. If my friends were gone. If my family was gone. If all my things were gone. If my ministry was gone. If I was told I needed to leave Latvia and return to America, would Jesus be enough. That day I believe my answer would not have been a good one. For the last couple of months my heart would have said no way. I want all those things plus Jesus but that is not the way we should live. Jesus plus nothing should be enough for us. Jesus himself should be the biggest thing in our lives and should be everything to us. Of course, God blesses us with relationships and things and ministries in our lives but if we put those things before Jesus, then it becomes unhealthy. That is where I was. I am still learning. I want Jesus to be more than enough for me. I yearn for the presence of Jesus to be my biggest and deepest desire. I want that I crave and am so intoxicated with the presence of my Saviour and Beloved that I constantly feel that my cup is overflowing. My prayer is that Jesus is and will always be on the throne of my heart and my first love. Those are my desires. If God blesses me with the opportunity to learn more about him through a marriage, staying in Latvia, continuing my ministry, and an amazing community of brothers and sisters then I will have more than enough. But if there comes a day where I feel like everything is ripped away from me, I pray I will be so close to my Saviour that none of that will matter. That Jesus will be enough for me.
I am still learning. I am still praying. Jesus is building me up and restoring the ruins of my heart. He is doing in His tender and gracious way. He is using those special people in my life to speak words of encouragement. He is revealing Himself even more in Scriptures. He is tenderly overwhelming me with His peace and joy in my heart. I feel like I am even in a season like Adam with Isaac. Am I willing to sacrifice what is dear to me to prove that Jesus is enough? I feel like I can stand here and say, Jesus take what you will, you are more than enough for me.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?
The title of this post is something that has wrecked my heart from the first time I heard it. I was a mere 21 years old, living in a new place, new friends around me, new family in my life. I was introduced to one family, the Higgins and was given a book, "I Would Die for You", to read about their son BJ. This book was about a boy who was so passionate about Jesus he laid down his life so others could know about Jesus. He used his last breaths to make sure his nurse knew her Creator. He contracted a disease and ended up dying at the young age of 15. Now, I don't like reading. But as I laid in bed in a new place, new home, I was so captivated by the words on the page I just couldn't put the book down. I remember reading this line, "Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?" and thinking, uncomfortable really isn't a fun place to be. I had just moved from Wisconsin to Oklahoma and so many days I felt so uncomfortable and weird and out of place that I really didn't want to be even more uncomfortable. But something stirred in my heart and I silently told God, yes. My view of the world, my world, was completely flipped upside down and inside out. I always had a heart for helping people but I started to see a bigger picture. I started to see the possibilities of missions overseas. I started to see God's greater plan for my life.
Here we are, some 6 years later living out this very question. The past few months I've repeated this question over and over in my head. I have thought about this word, uncomfortable a lot. This has been the biggest lesson God has been teaching me lately and you know what I've learned? Being uncomfortable is the BEST place we can be with Jesus. It is in the moments where we feel awkward and uncomfortable that God gives us strength and words. It is in those moments I feel most uncomfortable, mostly because of my weaknesses or inadequacies, that I see God moving the most. It is in those moments where I simply say, "God I have nothing to bring to the table but my obedience" that He is most glorified. Living in a state of constant uncomfortability (yes I just made that up :) ) has been a challenge but it has been so rewarding. I'm reminded of the scripture from
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
There have been times where I constantly feel like I am doing everything left-handed. (Yes, I am right-handed) I feel in a constant state of vulnerability and sometimes awkwardness. Yet, there has been this indescribable peace. I have felt the presence of God even more than ever before. I felt the touch of God's Spirit like never before. I have felt the freedom of walking by faith. I have experienced a heart completely captivated by my Beloved. Being uncomfortable has become my new norm.
One example of this has been with leading worship. I have never in my life thought, one day, I want to lead worship. I enjoy singing and I love music but I never thought I would lead worship. When I moved to Latvia, within the first few months I got really tired of worshiping to an iPod or computer. I decided I wanted to learn to play the guitar so I could worship Jesus through playing a guitar. I prayed and within about 4 hours of this, one of my students said, I have a guitar, maybe you want to borrow it. Prayer answered, that was pretty cool. :) So I started plucking away at the strings, trying to make sense of the musical world. I was in choir in high school and show choir and mostly I learned by listening. I could match a pitch but I couldn't really read music. So learning to play the guitar has been a challenge sometimes because I don't know music theory all the well. Anyway, within the first year of trying to figure out the guitar on my own with Jesus, I was faced with the most uncomfortable situation yet. I had to lead worship at Connected or we wouldn't have any worship time. Oh yea, the same night I had to teach as well. I felt overwhelmed. I don't think I slept much that week because if I wasn't preparing my lesson, I was practicing the songs for that night. Not to mention I didn't really know many Latvian songs yet because I mostly played English songs. I went into the Friday night feeling the most uncomfortable I have felt in a long time. To be honest, it was terrible. I fumbled through the songs, I played the wrong rhythms, I was in weird keys. I felt very humbled in that moment. But one of my dear friends encouraged me. She said, "Alesha, it is not about how well you did or how correct you did it. The only thing that matters in that moment is your heart. You were obedient. You answered a need and God was pleased" I still was hard on myself but I was reminded of what worship really is and what life really is about. Life is about having a humble obedient heart even in moments of being uncomfortable. I have lead worship again since then and I'm still not the best, but I've come to realize that God uses those moments I'm uncomfortable as long as I keep my heart humble and obedient before Him.
Six years ago when I read this question, "Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?" I had no idea the journey this call would take me on. Being uncomfortable for Christ and knowing He is with me every step, has been the greatest answer I've ever given to anyone. So I challenge you. Are you feeling like you are ready to get uncomfortable for Christ? I promise you 2 things. 1. It will hurt and Jesus will shake your very core but then there is the second thing. 2. I promise you, it will be the best choice you ever made in your life! As you get uncomfortable, in a place of vulnerability, you allow God to work even more in you and through you!
Here we are, some 6 years later living out this very question. The past few months I've repeated this question over and over in my head. I have thought about this word, uncomfortable a lot. This has been the biggest lesson God has been teaching me lately and you know what I've learned? Being uncomfortable is the BEST place we can be with Jesus. It is in the moments where we feel awkward and uncomfortable that God gives us strength and words. It is in those moments I feel most uncomfortable, mostly because of my weaknesses or inadequacies, that I see God moving the most. It is in those moments where I simply say, "God I have nothing to bring to the table but my obedience" that He is most glorified. Living in a state of constant uncomfortability (yes I just made that up :) ) has been a challenge but it has been so rewarding. I'm reminded of the scripture from
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
There have been times where I constantly feel like I am doing everything left-handed. (Yes, I am right-handed) I feel in a constant state of vulnerability and sometimes awkwardness. Yet, there has been this indescribable peace. I have felt the presence of God even more than ever before. I felt the touch of God's Spirit like never before. I have felt the freedom of walking by faith. I have experienced a heart completely captivated by my Beloved. Being uncomfortable has become my new norm.
One example of this has been with leading worship. I have never in my life thought, one day, I want to lead worship. I enjoy singing and I love music but I never thought I would lead worship. When I moved to Latvia, within the first few months I got really tired of worshiping to an iPod or computer. I decided I wanted to learn to play the guitar so I could worship Jesus through playing a guitar. I prayed and within about 4 hours of this, one of my students said, I have a guitar, maybe you want to borrow it. Prayer answered, that was pretty cool. :) So I started plucking away at the strings, trying to make sense of the musical world. I was in choir in high school and show choir and mostly I learned by listening. I could match a pitch but I couldn't really read music. So learning to play the guitar has been a challenge sometimes because I don't know music theory all the well. Anyway, within the first year of trying to figure out the guitar on my own with Jesus, I was faced with the most uncomfortable situation yet. I had to lead worship at Connected or we wouldn't have any worship time. Oh yea, the same night I had to teach as well. I felt overwhelmed. I don't think I slept much that week because if I wasn't preparing my lesson, I was practicing the songs for that night. Not to mention I didn't really know many Latvian songs yet because I mostly played English songs. I went into the Friday night feeling the most uncomfortable I have felt in a long time. To be honest, it was terrible. I fumbled through the songs, I played the wrong rhythms, I was in weird keys. I felt very humbled in that moment. But one of my dear friends encouraged me. She said, "Alesha, it is not about how well you did or how correct you did it. The only thing that matters in that moment is your heart. You were obedient. You answered a need and God was pleased" I still was hard on myself but I was reminded of what worship really is and what life really is about. Life is about having a humble obedient heart even in moments of being uncomfortable. I have lead worship again since then and I'm still not the best, but I've come to realize that God uses those moments I'm uncomfortable as long as I keep my heart humble and obedient before Him.
Six years ago when I read this question, "Will you answer the call and get uncomfortable for Christ?" I had no idea the journey this call would take me on. Being uncomfortable for Christ and knowing He is with me every step, has been the greatest answer I've ever given to anyone. So I challenge you. Are you feeling like you are ready to get uncomfortable for Christ? I promise you 2 things. 1. It will hurt and Jesus will shake your very core but then there is the second thing. 2. I promise you, it will be the best choice you ever made in your life! As you get uncomfortable, in a place of vulnerability, you allow God to work even more in you and through you!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
For I am Yours and You are Mine!
Hello blog world! :)
It has been a long time since I wrote last. I apologize for that. God has been teaching me so much about so many things. Tonight, I want to share part of a song with you. "Oceans" by Hillsong United has been very popular, you may even know it. From the first time I heard this song, it has become a daily prayer of mine. I wanted to take some time tonight and show you a glimpse of what this prayer means to me. This is may not exactly be what they had in mind when they wrote this song but this is what it means to me. I hope you enjoy.
If you haven't heard it before, here are the words of the bridge. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders. Let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." I am going to break it down line by line. :)
Spirit lead me: I've started to understand, if I want God's Spirit to lead me, I need to see it as more than a "Ghost". (I was raised to see the Trinity as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost) I need to feel which direction and where to take my next step from the Spirit. For this to happen I need to not see God's Spirit as a creepy, translucent, "Casper" looking ghost but see it as something that lives inside of me. I need to sense God's Spirit inside of me. To say Spirit lead me also means I give up control. I don't want to determine my steps but I want God's Spirit to determine them for me.
Where my trust is without boarders: this line may be the most challenging for me. So many times in life I let God guide me within my own limits. I let Him guide me to a point of trust. When I reach that limit or that place of doubt I tend to say, "okay God, that's far enough". I'm learning to push past that. Last Summer, Matiss asked me to pray about being the youth leader this year. If I'm honest, my first reaction was heck no! Matiss encouraged me to take a month and pray about it. Really seek God and see what His plans are not mine. I was attending a History Makers United camp and during my morning Jesus time, I sat and listened to "Oceans". When I heard, "lead me where my trust is without boarders" I fell to my face and cried. I understood in that moment God was saying to me, "Alesha, you have asked me to lead you beyond your trust boarders. If you do not step outside of your strengths, outside of what you believe you can do, outside of yourself, then I cannot take you further. I need you to trust me without limits. I can do far greater things through your complete submissive obedience. Trust me and I will push you deeper. I will not let you sink. I will not let you get lost. I will be with you every step of the way. Trust me." So again I sang with all my heart, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders!"
Let me walk upon the waters: I remember the story of the disciples when Jesus was walking on water. Peter got out of the boat and walked on water until he took his eyes off Jesus. Then he began to sink. This is a reminder for me to always keep my eyes on Jesus. I can only "walk on the waters" of life when I keep my eyes on Jesus. No matter what comes my way: loneliness, feelings of defeat, temptations, helplessness, homesickness, no matter what, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will get through it with great victory! I will walk upon the waters!
Where ever you would call me: This brings me back to my summer in Peru. There was a moment I had with God where I surrendered my life to Jesus. Fully and completely. I told God I wanted to quit fighting against Him and start fighting alongside Him. I said to God, I surrender to You. Where ever you want me to go, I will go. Whatever you want me to do, I will do. I never want to live another day outside of your will. If that means I need to give up everything and everyone in my life, I know I will always have enough in You. I trust You. Do with my life, what you must! Ever since that day in Peru, I have tried my best to follow God wherever He would lead no matter the cost. Of course, there are moments I think about going back home and being with my family or church family but I know that I am doing exactly what God has asked me to do and that in itself brings comfort and joy. As I stay in His will, He will provide everything I need exactly when I need it.
Take me deeper than me feet could ever wander: this is much like beyond my trust boarder but for story sake I'll tell you a story that comes to mind when I sing this. I was in Florida one time with my cousins. Pj and I went swimming in the ocean. Now if you really knew you would know that I really am actually afraid of waves because of a terrifying situation from childhood. However, I have tried many times to overcome this. Anyway, Pj and I went swimming and we notice about some 75-100 yards out from shore was a sand bar that you could stand on. The water would still come up to your knees but we thought, "wouldn't it be cool to stand in the middle of the ocean?" So off we went. We were almost there when I got tired of fighting the waves (I also cannot swim all that well) and I couldn't touch the ground. I was literally deeper than my feet could take me. Pj was standing on this sandbar just a little over arms reach away but every time I got close, a wave would pull me back. This went on for about 5 minutes before I was finally able to reach the sandbar. Looking back I know God is using this moment to relate this song to my life. I was deeper than my feet could touch. I was using my strength to push forward as well as keep my head about the waves. Pj stretched out his hand and pulled me to safety. Which leads me to the next and last line.
My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior: Pj pulled me to safety. When I was using all my strength, giving everything I had to make it just a little bit farther, I had to rely on Pj to help pull me the extra little bit. This is the same with God. There have been times in my life, like stepping up to be the youth leader, where I have felt in a similar situation. I am deep in the ocean and I am just trying to keep my head above the waves. Every time I come to the end of me, Jesus is there to pull me deeper. Jesus is there to pull me to a place of rest. In the presence of my Savior, knowing that He constantly pulls me to the next place, my faith is ALWAYS made stronger. This can only happen while I am in His presence.
And that is what I think this whole song is about and that is what God has been teaching me. Stay in His presence. There your faith will be made stronger every day. In the presence of God we receive the biggest blessing we could ever get, HIM! It is not about the things we do or the things we are great at. It is not about serving God more or doing more for God. It is all about resting in His presence! Daily being in the presence of God and through that our faith will be made stronger!
I encourage you, if you haven't heard this song, listen to it. Shut off all distractions close your eyes and listen. Multiple times. Let these words become your prayer. Let Jesus take you farther and deeper than you ever imagined. Trust Him with your heart, your soul, and your life. I promise you, it will all be worth it!
Check out the song here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs
It has been a long time since I wrote last. I apologize for that. God has been teaching me so much about so many things. Tonight, I want to share part of a song with you. "Oceans" by Hillsong United has been very popular, you may even know it. From the first time I heard this song, it has become a daily prayer of mine. I wanted to take some time tonight and show you a glimpse of what this prayer means to me. This is may not exactly be what they had in mind when they wrote this song but this is what it means to me. I hope you enjoy.
If you haven't heard it before, here are the words of the bridge. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders. Let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." I am going to break it down line by line. :)
Spirit lead me: I've started to understand, if I want God's Spirit to lead me, I need to see it as more than a "Ghost". (I was raised to see the Trinity as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost) I need to feel which direction and where to take my next step from the Spirit. For this to happen I need to not see God's Spirit as a creepy, translucent, "Casper" looking ghost but see it as something that lives inside of me. I need to sense God's Spirit inside of me. To say Spirit lead me also means I give up control. I don't want to determine my steps but I want God's Spirit to determine them for me.
Where my trust is without boarders: this line may be the most challenging for me. So many times in life I let God guide me within my own limits. I let Him guide me to a point of trust. When I reach that limit or that place of doubt I tend to say, "okay God, that's far enough". I'm learning to push past that. Last Summer, Matiss asked me to pray about being the youth leader this year. If I'm honest, my first reaction was heck no! Matiss encouraged me to take a month and pray about it. Really seek God and see what His plans are not mine. I was attending a History Makers United camp and during my morning Jesus time, I sat and listened to "Oceans". When I heard, "lead me where my trust is without boarders" I fell to my face and cried. I understood in that moment God was saying to me, "Alesha, you have asked me to lead you beyond your trust boarders. If you do not step outside of your strengths, outside of what you believe you can do, outside of yourself, then I cannot take you further. I need you to trust me without limits. I can do far greater things through your complete submissive obedience. Trust me and I will push you deeper. I will not let you sink. I will not let you get lost. I will be with you every step of the way. Trust me." So again I sang with all my heart, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders!"
Let me walk upon the waters: I remember the story of the disciples when Jesus was walking on water. Peter got out of the boat and walked on water until he took his eyes off Jesus. Then he began to sink. This is a reminder for me to always keep my eyes on Jesus. I can only "walk on the waters" of life when I keep my eyes on Jesus. No matter what comes my way: loneliness, feelings of defeat, temptations, helplessness, homesickness, no matter what, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will get through it with great victory! I will walk upon the waters!
Where ever you would call me: This brings me back to my summer in Peru. There was a moment I had with God where I surrendered my life to Jesus. Fully and completely. I told God I wanted to quit fighting against Him and start fighting alongside Him. I said to God, I surrender to You. Where ever you want me to go, I will go. Whatever you want me to do, I will do. I never want to live another day outside of your will. If that means I need to give up everything and everyone in my life, I know I will always have enough in You. I trust You. Do with my life, what you must! Ever since that day in Peru, I have tried my best to follow God wherever He would lead no matter the cost. Of course, there are moments I think about going back home and being with my family or church family but I know that I am doing exactly what God has asked me to do and that in itself brings comfort and joy. As I stay in His will, He will provide everything I need exactly when I need it.
Take me deeper than me feet could ever wander: this is much like beyond my trust boarder but for story sake I'll tell you a story that comes to mind when I sing this. I was in Florida one time with my cousins. Pj and I went swimming in the ocean. Now if you really knew you would know that I really am actually afraid of waves because of a terrifying situation from childhood. However, I have tried many times to overcome this. Anyway, Pj and I went swimming and we notice about some 75-100 yards out from shore was a sand bar that you could stand on. The water would still come up to your knees but we thought, "wouldn't it be cool to stand in the middle of the ocean?" So off we went. We were almost there when I got tired of fighting the waves (I also cannot swim all that well) and I couldn't touch the ground. I was literally deeper than my feet could take me. Pj was standing on this sandbar just a little over arms reach away but every time I got close, a wave would pull me back. This went on for about 5 minutes before I was finally able to reach the sandbar. Looking back I know God is using this moment to relate this song to my life. I was deeper than my feet could touch. I was using my strength to push forward as well as keep my head about the waves. Pj stretched out his hand and pulled me to safety. Which leads me to the next and last line.
My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior: Pj pulled me to safety. When I was using all my strength, giving everything I had to make it just a little bit farther, I had to rely on Pj to help pull me the extra little bit. This is the same with God. There have been times in my life, like stepping up to be the youth leader, where I have felt in a similar situation. I am deep in the ocean and I am just trying to keep my head above the waves. Every time I come to the end of me, Jesus is there to pull me deeper. Jesus is there to pull me to a place of rest. In the presence of my Savior, knowing that He constantly pulls me to the next place, my faith is ALWAYS made stronger. This can only happen while I am in His presence.
And that is what I think this whole song is about and that is what God has been teaching me. Stay in His presence. There your faith will be made stronger every day. In the presence of God we receive the biggest blessing we could ever get, HIM! It is not about the things we do or the things we are great at. It is not about serving God more or doing more for God. It is all about resting in His presence! Daily being in the presence of God and through that our faith will be made stronger!
I encourage you, if you haven't heard this song, listen to it. Shut off all distractions close your eyes and listen. Multiple times. Let these words become your prayer. Let Jesus take you farther and deeper than you ever imagined. Trust Him with your heart, your soul, and your life. I promise you, it will all be worth it!
Check out the song here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs
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