Raw honesty

I've thought about this next update for some time. Sometimes I think I should write about what a day look likes. Sometimes I think I should write about what God is teaching me. Everytime I think to write something, I just think too much. (and if you really knew me, you would know this is not uncommon :) ) So, as I lay here wide awake, I decided to do what comes best, from the heart. The last week I felt a big challenge has been placed in front of me. I'm not talking about things that I do here. Yes, everyday is filled with challenges: learning the language, adjusting to the culutre, new food becoming common, so. many. challenges. But the biggest challenge has been in my relationship with Jesus. Since being here, my time spent with Jesus has been greater than I've had in a long time. I spend a great deal listening to sermons, reading, praying, worshiping, and more sermons. I don't say this because I am patting myself on my back, but to say that I've been blessed with more "free" time than I have in probably 4 years. I've noticed areas in my life, in my heart that need to improve to bring me to a deeper level with Jesus. The more time I spend with Jesus, the more I realize I need His grace and mercy because my heart is filthy. I am a sinner. Without Jesus, I have nothing to offer anyone. So, I have asked Jesus to help me have a deeper relationship with Him. I have asked Jesus to help me truly to desire only Him. I have asked Jesus to show me areas that I need to work on so that this can happen. And yet, I love how even when Jesus shows us the hard things, He is still gentle. God has been showing me an area in my heart that I didn't realize just how much I wasn't giving to Him. This area is called forgiveness. No joke, in a matter of 3 days, I read scriptures, had conversations, and heard sermons on forgiveness. 3 days in a row of pure forgiveness topics. I felt God hitting me over the head with a brick...gently of course. :) But for real. I have previously written about how I have forgiven my step-dad for what happened. I even wrote him a letter telling him I have forgiven him. I feel a true release and redemption in my heart from that. But there is something I still struggle with. Why can I not forgive those have done "lesser" things to me and whom I hold dear to my heart? Why is it harder to forgive some people and easier for others? Maybe it is because some people repeatedly hurt me emotionally. Maybe it is because some people say one thing and do another. Maybe deep down I don't want to forgive them. Maybe holding on to that bitterness is easier than opening my heart again. I know that is wrong, but it is raw honesty. But then I was reminded of myself. I looked in the mirror so to speak. How many times do I hurt Jesus? How many times do I choose to spend my time on other useless things and not with Jesus? How many times do I say, "God, I won't do that again. I won't think about that again." and yet the temptation comes and I so easily fall into the trap? How many times do I satisfy my flesh and yet, every single time Jesus forgives me? Every single time, as I come to Him broken, weak, and ask for forgiveness, He not only gives it, but He is waiting for me with open arms. When He was beaten and nailed to the cross, He says "Father, forgive them, they do not know what they are doing". When men and women were taking the very breath from Him, He was asking God to forgive them. So why can't I forgive someone who hurts me? This has been my challenge this week. I need to forgive. But I can't just say it, I need to believe it. And I believe God is calling me to take the next step. I need to let these people know I forgive them. And that is where my heart skips a beat. I need God to give me the strength and the words to do this. I need His Spirit within me to bear my heart to these people. I believe once I do this, my relationship with Jesus will go to the next level. As another layer of my heart is peeled off, it makes more room for Jesus. I am so thankful that my hardest lessons, my biggest challenges, are never done alone. I am so thankful that I have a sovereign God who cares about me enough to pursue me, each and every day. I am thankful for a God whose grace is more than suffienct for this sinner. I am thankful that I have Jesus to hold me in my best days and my worst. I am thankful that as my Daddy continues to teach me and challenge me (as a Father should) that He also allows me to crawl into His lap and cry and let His gentle love comfort me. There you have it. Raw honesty from the heart. I am not perfect. I am nothing special just because I am living in another country. I am the same as you. We all have imperfections. We all have something we battle with. And we all have the same God to help us if we let Him.